Today's meditation (one of them): calming the frightened inner toddler.
I notice muself thinking of the people I want in my life that I might not get; and the experiences I want but might not have.
I try to "be okay" with that, the way I think I should. But I can't be okay unless I turn to the frightened toddler and acknowledge her hysterical tears.
How do calm her, and let her feel what I know to be the truth?
I'm a beautiful person. I know this. Kind, willing to work, accept things as they are while putting effort into my intentions and actions so they go in the direction that feels "right". I'm finally taking care of my physical body and environment because I deserve to give those things to myself.
That last paragraph was hard to write, because though I believe it, it's easier to point out my faults than my admirable qualities. I'm frightned that if I say it aloud, no one will agree! What if I'm wrong about myself? What if I really am the horrible, selfish, confused person I've been adamantly told I am by someone I love and trusted.
Deep-seated fears, people.
I created a viable career out of a gossamer thread. My children feel loved and cared for. I've circled the wagons around my social life, creating a safe space for true friendships to thrive.
I've done a lot. I've created much. But I still don't know, at this exact moment in time how to calm the frightened toddler. To let her see that sometimes we don't always get what we want, and that's okay? That I'm enough on my own?
It's a process. An uncomfortable one.