When I said I didn't know what I wanted, that I just knew I wanted something, that wasn't a lie.
My head has always been good at protecting my heart. I've always run from the scary thing that made me feel exposed. So I never got what I really wanted. Because my head never let my heart lead. Everything was always an exercise in caution. Believe me, truly, I didn't even know what I really wanted. I do now.
I've stopped running from a lot of things. I can finally hear my heart over my head. Before, it was like, "I won't care too much, because then I can't get hurt." Proactively being okay with not getting something I wanted. Always telling myself, "You don't really need that." My mind is constantly shifting through known facts and educated guesses to arrive at the optimal level of "not getting hurt." And as a result, I also don't get to fully engage with myself or others.
This page has been, and continues to be, an exercise in vulnerability for me.
But it's easy(ier) to be vulnerable on paper. Not so easy in person. There, the 12 year-old girl takes over. It's really uncomfortable, being so shy around one person and one person only. It made me see that I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did.
And I can keep running, dragging a heavy shield, or I can show my hand, now that I've turned the final card over and I know what it is. The ultimate exercise in vulnerability. No proactive attempt to "be okay." I don't want to "be okay." I want what I want. I might not get it. But I can enjoy acknowledging it and fully embracing it. For once in my entire life, I'm willing to be afraid, open, willing and brave.