Tonight's sunset. From a parking lot. My son broke someone's pencil case, so we spent almost two hours going all over trying to find one to replace it. (No luck with a replica, but we found a couple that may work.)
I've been a little worried that this final resolution to just back away entirely from my long-standing friendship was just another rest break before I threw myself back into the unproductive fray again. It feels different, because I don't feel any left-over "maybe" type of energy at all.
I'm worried about him, of course. But I don't feel any desire whatsoever to get back into contact sometime in the future. Not unless he gets some professional help and makes serious strides towards getting out of that black pit he's stumbled into. Right now he's willing to fight anyone but the devil inside him. It's a sad thing, but I don't feel all that sad. I feel tired. Like I'm taking a rest after an epic battle.
When I meditate, I tend to see things in visual metaphors. Tonight, I saw the garden I've talked about before. And in it, a gravestone marking the spot from which he was expelled. There's no air of regret or bitterness. Just pure, unadulterated love. I truly have nothing but love for him in my heart. Even so, it was time to lay this to rest so I can focus on other visitors to the garden.
Because that's all we really are to one another, isn't it? Visitors to one another's psyche, bringing gifts (sometimes unwelcome) to the other's space. Relationships are the alchemical laboratory where we take these gifts and create an entirely new substance. It's really up to us, together, to decide what that substance will be; in what proportion will we use the various elements. Blame and guilt? I use those in large quantity sometimes. They seem so much uglier when written into a formula. Love and empathy? I'll take some of that concoction, please.
I could write for a long time about this, but it's late, and I'm trying to take better care of myself. I'm finally taking my physical body seriously. I've neglected it and it's not happy. I don't love how I look, but I really don't like how I feel. Cumbersome. Ugh. Not nice. Easily fixed though.
Now that I'm not spending so much time fighting someone else's fight, I have the energy for myself again. I'll be curious to see what comes of this. And who and what shows up next. There's finally room. Come on in.