Today was a fun day. I meditated on the beach for an hour. Laid in bed and caught up on the latest Doctor Who episodes, and went to M's birthday party, where I discovered this dating thing might be fun after all.
I really enjoyed meeting her friends. One of them walked in, shook my hand and sat next to me. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt attracted to someone on sight. He was clearly attracted to me as well. Quite a feat, considering I had a 6 year-old and a 10 year-old crawling on me most of the time. As he left, he held my eyes for far too long to be polite. I had to look away. It felt really, really nice to have a male gaze at me with frank appreciation. I needed that!
He mentioned that he had a girlfriend. Which didn't surprise me. He's a good-looking guy. But anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I was relieved to see that I can feel attracted to someone right away. I'd pictured a series of dates where I might start to feel attracted to someone based on their personality, then go from there. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but it's nice to have a benchmark. The other way just sounds like a stream of interviews.
I've spent the last couple of years with the only men in my life being very peripheral. One of them has decided I'm doing Life wrong, and told me about it all the time until I put a stop to it at last.
Another has an unnerving tendency to suddenly shout, "Stay back Foul Succubus, thou whilst not have my Soul, for it belongs to Me! (I paraphrase).
So those are the two men I've had the most social interaction with. Not a lot, as you can see. And I genuinely care for both of them. But they're dealing with their own stuff, and it doesn't include me. I was getting a complex! Actually, I just took time away from anything male-oriented to work on loving myself and my life. And I'm so glad I did. The vagaries of what other people do affect me much less than they did a year ago. I can let things go. I don't have to know "why", I can just know, "that" something is true.
I might wish it were different. But these days, instead of wasting time pining, I'm open to new opportunities and people. Like M's friend. He's not a possibility, as he's in a relationship. But, it's pretty fabulous to know that out there, not too far away, are men who like me, and I like them too.
It's just fun, you know. Finally. Maybe some smiles on these pages.