To-Do List for Friday, November 21, 2014:
1. Foul everything up.
2. Erect a monument to the loss of our country’s innocence.
3. Launch a GoFundMe campaign to finance my heroic intake of free-range, farm fresh brown eggs.
4. It will also fund the purchase of delicate, antique china egg cups, because I like to eat breakfast fancy sometimes.
5. Loudly exclaim: “Well… speak of the devil!” anytime someone enters a room, just to gauge their reaction.
6. Pen a series of young adult fiction novels called “Stupid, Predictable, Marginally Good-Looking-In-A-Conventional-Way, Very Annoying Teens Who Do Nothing Interesting But They’re Magic Somehow.”
7. Make a mountain out of a molehill.
8. Find a nice place to display all the Thank You Cards the moles will no-doubt send in appreciation of their much larger, for more grandiose digs.
9. Become hurt and offended when I don’t receive a single card.
10. Comfort myself with the excuse that moles, theoretically, can neither write nor send Thank You Cards.