today I woke up and smoked some weed, escaped from consciousness and bought four more amazing films from Criterion's 24-hour 50% off sale, and ordered an external DVD drive so I can watch them when they arrive. And then I went to work. Afterwards I saw my friends and once again felt the weight of the world crash down on me and witnessed my empathy erode my soul and my personal sadness tear my world apart. Then I treated a friend unfairly through thoughtless, selfish text messages, and immediately apologized for it because no one deserves that, especially right now, when I'm hardly in control of my feelings. Meanwhile I felt terribly envious of another, truly selfless and lovely friend and his hopeful, beautiful life that I thought I'd give anything to be a bigger part of. And all he did all night was try to cheer me up through conversation and dumb jokes, which didn't go unappreciated, but i still should have thanked him for it and made the most of it in spite of myself. And now I'm at home, after a big, sloppy, good cry on the kitchen floor, chugging water and taking in some old favorite tunes circa middle school, heavy on the harmonica, and trying to get ahold of myself. I decided I'm going to write more as therapy. we'll see how that goes. You can bear witness here if you want to. I hope sleep comes tonight. It will be a welcome change.