Greece Votes to Give Up The Gyro
July 5, 2015
In a surprising result of a national referendum on the future of their country today, the citizens of Greece have voted "No" to continuing their association with the gyro.
Opinion polls leading up to the referendum had positioned the "Yes" camp with a slim margin of victory over the less nationalistic segment of the population.
"It is a victory for our way of life and against those who choose to portray Greek culture as only having provided olives, democracy, and post-binge drinking street vendor food," said a flag waving bystander on an Athens street who wished to remain anonymous.
Archimedes Papadopoulos, a local shopkeeper was more animated in this excitement over the results. His busy lunch counter erupted in cheering as the local radio station announced the numbers with over 70% of the vote counted.
"I feel like I've been on the lam for decades," he shouted, "but now I really feel at home! This is a triumph!"
Greek culture has been increasingly under attack around the world as frustrations with traditional fare and ethnic stereotyping have come to a head with new EU regulations on late night food products. Exports of gyro related products have increased, but costs have fallen in cities across the eurozone. This has led to a drain on tzatziki reserves and widespread job loss.
"We feel that European cities do not respect the value of traditional Greek exports and today we have sent a clear message. We feel that with a halt to gyro production, we can force the oligarchs in Brussels to reconsider their exclusionary regulations and we expect the Commission to return to the bargaining table in good faith," the Greek Council on Cultural Food Development said in a press release this afternoon after the polls had closed.
However, not all Greeks are celebrating. A young man stumbling out of a bar in Heraklion nuzzled the ears of his two female companions and uttered a string of vulgarity. With a wave of his hand, he grunted, "Who [expletive] cares. I just picked up these two German [expletive]!"