Whats up my fly honeys this is tsaya reporting live from the ~swankiest~ hostel I've ever had the dubious fortune of staying at, surrounded by a teeming horde of euro fuckboys and the most beautiful women I have ever seen and definitely the most beautiful I have ever been intimidated by (weird that I split the two categories bc if they were a Venn diagram the two spheres would be almost entirely overlap, like it would look like a kind of thicc circle with little lovehandles on the side). Breakfast is supposedly from 6:30 to 9:00am but guess what homies it's already rolled on over to 9:23am here in sunny Hoi An and our fellow hostel stayers are still pouring down the stairs to that sweet sweet breakfast buffet like that scene in the shining when that kid has a vision of a hotel room getting just flooded with a wave of red which I always took as a subtle nod to what it feels like when you stand up on your period from a long time of sitting down you know? Whoooooooooooosh.
anyway to return to how swanky this hostel is, and I mean SWANKY, we get the full works: AC on in the rooms all day everyday, nice pool outside, breakfast buffet which I guess might as well advertise itself as 24/7, a free drink every night for an hour and then two hours of unlimited beer for 100,000 dong (the currency has led to a lot of hilarious and definitely original puns from me and my travel buddy, like no one else could have even fathomed the thought of turning the word dong into a sex joke ah ha ha ha!!!!). Just an FYI 22,000 dong is roughly equivalent to one usd so if you don't think I am making the most of this ridiculous purchasing power disparity which was predicated on colonialism, corruption, and incredibly low wages, then you far overestimate me bc I am slurping up these $2 pho bowls like a maniac, honestly about to start dripping it into my blood stream via IV.
That reminds me that even though I had the sudden clear realization and then accompanying feeling of revulsion about a year or so ago about how terrible the concept of mass produced meat actually is and how cruel the practice is, what kind of shit corps like tyson's pump their chickens full of, etc, I still eat meat when I go abroad. It's an excuse I fabricated on the basis of respecting another culture and eating their entire gastric smorgasbord to understand the culture/not wanting to bother anyone who might be hosting us or a restaurant owner with my sappy veggie inclination. It does not stand up to any moral examination but it is pretty cool because if I had restricted myself from eating bunh cha in Hanoi, I would have been a damn fool on the level of a quarterback starting the fourth down a step away from the opposite goal line and then just getting really confused and running the other way thus letting himself be tackled and also losing all and every corporate sponsorship he might have held? if I got this prolonged and incomprehensible simile mixed up then don't @ me huny I don't give a shit bout no football and honestly do yourself a favor bc all u have to look forward to upon DMing me about this is pure radio silence.
Hoi an is known for its tailor shops (over 500 in the city) so I took a couple screenshots of some threads I liked from rent the runway and took them to see Peace, the tailor whom sunflower hostel gets a commission for referring to. She was fast and professional but also while measuring sometimes she gently felt up my tiddies looking for a nipple? A niddie? Like you could ask mate, I'm not averse to telling you where my milk shooters (milk shooter: great name) reside. Anyway I brought her pics of two dresses and I guess we'll see in some hours how they turn out. Peace is cool.
For some context, a friend from uva and I are traveling Vietnam for two weeks. We started in Hanoi and are working our way down to Ho Chi Minh, stopping in towns along the way. Most recently in this long line of euphoria, shenanigans, and both trivial and huge fuckups is the biggest fuckup yet of (and imma itemize this bc it's the easiest both for you and me to understand bc I said I'll can't quite believe this shit, and a charming little consistent statement-ender so you don't forget the moral of this story)
1) for some reason thought Hoi An and Da Lat were about a two hour train ride away. That is equivalent to looking at the American map and thinking Florida to Chicago? Maybe I'll just hop in the car and speed on over IDIOT
2) Telling my travel buddy to book another night at this hostel even though we need to leave tonight ahaha IDIOT
3) forgetting to book the far superior sleeper train and it all filling up for the night IDIOT
4) finally getting around to booking a sleeper bus from here to Da Lat which will total around 18hrs. The sleeper buses into/out of Dalat are also known as KILLER BUSES for how dangerous the roads are/dark it will be on the road during the night/sleep deprived the driver will be IDIOT
The fourth point could be split into a couple of points by itself but then again nah it's cool and writing idiot after every point could wear down even a diamond so I'll just leave it there hunties bc travel buddy is alive and ready for breakfast buffet, catch you guys on the flip