i find i'm talking to myself today. mostly about my father. he abandoned me 3 times before i understood what an awful person he was. many years of therapy and most of the pain is gone, but i still re-hash the difficult times in my mind. it should have been better. i deserved a loving father. it just wasn't in him and i still have to work on accepting that. he's long dead, and a weight was lifted when he died. but he still haunts me. i ended up being an even worse father than he ever was. "cat's in the cradle", don't you know. i fantasize about being able to go back and do some of it all again, but this time doing it better. i understand how useless those thoughts are, but i still have them. my sister has started writing epic text messages to me. mostly about him. what to do about that? she's the one i can't talk to about our childhood because she always ends up crying. she had it MUCH worse than i ever did. and she has never been able to utilize therapy and work through some of it. it's really the only thing we have in common, our childhoods. we took vastly different paths in life, and have little in common. she is getting tested for lung cancer now. we either die from cancer or a heart attack a doctor once told me. personally, i'll take the attack. quick and to the point. but not today. thanks for reading.