Being homeless is challenging. The couples assume I am a prostitute or shamelessly look at my ass when I walk past. If I mean mug, accents. If I smile, dissent. I know what I am and so does everyone else. The hard part is convincing myself. The songs I sing to myself end up being played in stores I go to which is cool that people are interested. All I really want to do lately is sleep. The shelter is okay, they feed us a minimum of three meals plus snacks and provide soap, shampoo, tp, sheets, beds and human interaction. The ladies are all troubled like me and luckily we all have faith which restores my weary heart on days like today when I feel the leeches falling away to make space for holy rollers but the pain of being ogled still smarts me so deeply. Going into coffee shops and following the civil rules irks me, but I let the baristas know I am homeless which they suspect and so far only one coffee spot has made me feel bad about it which sucks bc I liked going there but they were white euro trash hipsters anyhow; people who embrace homeless culture but are not actually homeless so don't really know what they're repping now irk me. Dirty haired people with addiction issues and a penchant for narcissistic love impoverish their friend groups with their inability to give honest feedback. The other day, I was sharing my story of incest with some blocked people when a one-legged homeless man wanted fellowship which made the comfortable leery so I told him to go since the paying customers didn't know how to talk to me let alone him. They told me I should be a bouncer which made me lol. I'm 5'6" 105 lbs with a doll face and it still cracks me up that people get so shifty around me bc I follow Christ and their passengers whisper for them to disengage with me since passengers like riding along encouraging bad behavior. I guess the most important information I have for today is this :: stop eating meat & dairy (I had milk in my coffee at the shelter tho so call me a hypocrite) drink coffee & smoke grits to slow down a bit, tell people about your problems even if they talk shit about you (says more about them than you) and if you love someone more than yourself then really try to tell them. So this is me trying. I love you, David, I'm sorry I suck. I just thought you uh yeah I thought you would like me bc I think I'm cool even if your friends don't know my friends bc I don't really have friends anymore. I've always been a pretty private person but falling in love canned that. I am hurt that you continue to support other dames you've laid but won't show care for me openly which is understandable considering the quality of content of some of these sucksessful people in LA but i am still super grossed out by the "ladies" in this area and the men arent much better tbh and if you know these people and value them more than me then i feel mega vom. So much staring so much whisper not enough confrontation not enough feedback more engaging more working. I've blocked a lot of people on IG lately bc I don't wanna mess with people who only look but won't like, and even if they comment or like I still feel frustrated that people are more interested in my fucking face and body more than my ideas but I guess that's life as a woman. I like to write I like to sing other people's songs bc my songs are the private songs of G-d and I'm not supposed to sing those recorded so I would rather cover tracks that everyone knows. I am ashamed that I have standards I am distressed that my heart loves so passionately without respite I love helping people and many people want my help hoping for different outcomes. I just wanna help, you know, create industry make jobs make art outside hug trees hold babies make coffee sing etc etc and I feel sad that the people who have houses don't make them homes that they complain about communicating to their roommates that they mock the poor who are far richer than they, it just makes me feel real weird. I see my designs all over stores, I see my influence many places and I try to dismiss it saying Oh that's probably this or that, but my heart knows better and it super irritates me to battle myself like this daily. I wanna karate chop myself and others but instead I try to be mannered with the impolite to teach them stuff even tho they're unruly charges, I don't really know where I am going with this but I just feel very confused about how to get through to myself about this being where I am and doing what I am. Being homeless is easy but the people who are well-kept who look down on me is what smarts. I've been the black sheep a long time so I am used to it but being a leper who has style that yall like enough to copy just kinda makes me LOL I dunno how else to feel...like yall hate me sooooo much but are into what I like? Bitches be copping my steez. Girls who can't/wont do their own jokes or fayshun rip me off and they think it's sa hilarious to hate me with their lil baby friend groups but they can't dm me to drop any bombs they just dress stupid and look stupid and wanna learn from me but won't bow to this alpha. I get it. But like seriously get some new friends if that's what yall bond over, mutual meh over a girl who's always been pushed aside and copied poorly. I just....yeah. I won't fuck people to get ahead, so sue me. I won't brown nose authority to show a bow but I will respect the respectable and diss the dismissive. I don't drop dumb symbols to minimize people bc when one hurts others the energy is returned 4 fold and I got enough problems you feel me. Maybe I am doing that now so I am sorry if it comes across that way. I wish only good for the types of entertainers mentioned but seriously yall close your legs (term via William Gratza) and use your skills more effectively instead of just spreading your sadness. Maybe I am just doing that, so once again I'm sorry. I'm trying to process why people are nice to your face then huddle up once you dip to mention private thoughts publically. It don't make no sense. We are a community, remember? TALK To US HOMELESS PEOPLE !!!!! We need to know that we matter even if we have metal health problems we need to know that we belong here and are wanted just like you. .... why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know you're human too? To quote a shitty pop song that describes my feelings for the man I love, imma marry him anyway. I just pray that you will get over whatever you're under (Felicia Lopez) and maybe try to actually help someone in need instead of juSt saying you will to feel like a goo person, bc yeah, I can do it myself I will figure it out, but I will remember who smiled and nodded and gave me false hope and who actually opened their hearts and shared what they had without expectation of a sexual favor. FYI that isn't giving. ... that's some weird familial dogma. To wrap this up, I love you and I miss you my man, and I wish you would .... be nice to me. Please. Shoe me respect. Tell me how I fucked up. Let me fix it. Let me explain. Maybe we can all understand each other this way. Maybe we all can be happy and healthy and okay. Thank you.