For my birthday my family pooled their money together and got me a mini "studio setup". A 10x8 backdrop stand, 3 different colored back drops, one hard light and one soft light. Since they couldn't be with me today they gave it to me 2 days early. I was playing around with different lighting positions and at that moment I had a really bad pain spike with a bad muscle spasm. I managed to capture it. I was unsure if it was something I should even post.
Its something we all experience and have come to know it as a faceless enemy. I wanted to give mine a face, I wanted to see what my demon looked like. I hesitated putting these up because it opens up a kind of vulnerability. Even though my disease is progressive I hope after this next surgery I can look at these photos differently and with a new appreciation.
Before I posted them I thought about what the world would be like if we had the honesty of pain out in the open for all to see. If we took one of the things that we hold private and battle alone how would that change us? Would we become more empathetic or less? Would pain hold the same power over us if it is essentially shared.
I have been a chronic pain patient for over 8years now. After I had my last surgery I tried to keep my moments of suffering all to myself. I would say that I was just tired, had a hard day at the gym, etc. It got to the point where these excuses happened naturally and with no thought given. I was lying to people to protect my pain from exposure. It occurred to me not all that long ago I exhibited traits that people who are abused do to protect their abuser. I had secretly given my pain a whole new role in my life without me noticing. As a result I gave it way more power than what it had and certainly what it should have. If I have to live with it I will live along side of it but I will not protect it or justify it. I will not give it excuses to dictate my life. I am reclaiming my life again.