7th of May, 2015
Time just shoots on by, going nowhere at all, really.
I haven't talked to Celeaste in awhile. About a month.
That's too long a time for me. It's funny how this happens.
I don't talk to her, then I do regularly, for a week.
Finally, she does something on social media that pushes me away from her.
"She doesn't care about me" I reason, but I still feel so hurt. I back away.
Retreat. But I check up on her through all her outlets. Nothing. She is fine.
I am fine, too, I reason.
But deep down, I wish she would speak to me. She doesn't.
Every day that passes I continually and covertly check on her. She seems fine.
The nights are the worst. I cannot help but feel sorry I am here. I ruined the friendship.
Funny how I thought myself impervious to my childhood's misfortune. Now, as an adult, I am understanding that my ability to keep relationships with people is what has been damaged. Maybe therapy can help.
I am still in Chico. I applied to a few places--with my friend's help--and I cannot wait to get back to LA so I can see my family.
Celeaste will be happy. And that's what matters most to me.
I must keep improving myself in the meantime. Push-ups, sit-ups, runs every other day. I can only help myself.
And you can only help yourself,
always take care.