I know what it feels like to be so confused by your own thoughts that you want to scream.
I know how it it feels when you feel like the world is ending, but "rationally" there's nothing wrong.
I know what it's like to be so alone, because you're afraid to tell someone what's happening inside.
I know what it feels like to panic over things most people don't even notice.
I know what it feels like to be called a freak by your own flesh and blood.
I know how it is when you sit in your car in a parking lot, trying not to cry, just because you know there's going to be a crowd in that store.
I know what it's like to feel the weight of countless eyes on you when you walk into a place, even though really no one may have even looked your way.
I know what it's like to want to die so badly, but want things to get better even more.
I know what it does when the flashbacks are so strong that they nearly bring you to your knees.
I know the pain of being looked at like you're going to turn into a complete psycho just because people found out you're on meds.
I know what it's like to be singled out because people are scared of you; for all the wrong reasons.
I know what it's like to be scared of others; for every reason that does and does not exist.
I know the feeling of dread in your stomach when you're on your way to somewhere you don't want to be, and are not wanted.
I know what it's like to not trust your own mind.
I know what it's like to be afraid of waking up the next day because you don't know who you're going to be.
I know what it's like to go through side effects and you can't talk to anyone about it.
I know what it's like to feel wrong because you're a kid and on medicine for a mental illness.
I know what it's like to feel afraid that someone's going to find out you're mentally ill, because you've been picked on for a lot less.
I know what it's like to feel like it will never get better.
I know what it's like to be high without anything other than your own brain chemistry.
I know what's it's like to feel happy then feel a crushing sense of despair, within 5 minutes of each other.
I know what it's like to not be understood, or to have anyone ever try and understand.
I know what it's like to get tired of medications and doctors.
I know what it's like to be bipolar.
I know how much it kills you to realize that nothing will cure it or make it go away.
I know what it feels like to keep going when all you want to do is stop.
I know what it's like to not be able to stop talking really fast even though I sense I'm acting weird.
I know all this, and much more, but knowing doesn't seem to make it stop.
It doesn't make it easier, and knowing I'm not alone doesn't make me happier
I don't wish this struggle on anyone.
It's more than one person can bear, and yet those of us with this illness do it every single day and night.
I say this because I know how it feels, and because I would like to one day know that it's all going to be okay.
Does any of this matter?
There are people who can't tell you what they know, because they lost their battles with this particular demon.
Maybe they knew too....
why am I saying all of this?
I honestly don't know.
Maybe because I get tired of pretending it's okay, and that knowing what's wrong will somehow make it all better.
None of this probably makes any sense... idk, maybe I'm saying all this because it doesn't matter if Just i know and believe it, but that others know and believe it as well.
Maybe it makes everything not feel hopeless.
Maybe as long and you know, too, then I can believe that we'll all survive this pain.
But.... what do I know?
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