A (Mild) Reflection of 2017:
2017 is coming to a close.
I honestly don't know how to feel about it.
I lost my father this year (Dec. 3rd), and many more loved ones, as well.
My illnesses have hit a new level of threat, and I can honestly say that, at 26, I feel ancient.
I started dating someone, a man I love very much; my best friend that I cannot imagine my life without.
I have begun to have a relationship with my family, even though I'm not sure we will ever be close.
I have written, to completion, several things... and am procrastinating on the "publishing thing" as if it's a death sentence.
I have come to realize how precious my words are to me.
Every line takes me back to where I was when I wrote them, and with every piece of my life that is woven, in a inseparable pattern, throughout my work... I find it hard to let them go for others to see.
Not like this, or quite like my poems.
these are stories with characters... creatures who's flesh and bones are more real to me than some would consider sane (but really, what writer is?😜).
I know their quirks and humor, their insecurities and vices. I know them better than I know myself, though in a way they are me (so it's a bit debatable?😯).
So? I hold desperately onto those things, those pieces of me.
I hope most people, here, can get this.
I mean, we are all here for our art, right?
Our creations, the things maybe no one else does quite like us, are the reasons we are on Ello and places like this.
Even if you aren't a creator of some sort, you get "it", the pull and desire of art and show it shapes us all in the most crucial of ways.
anyway.
To say I was fearful of the coming year would be a vast understatement, though I know It's pointless to fear the unknown.
I just feel this year has kicked all our butts, and has left us all in a state of disbelief and caution.
I also think it is leaving some of us with this desperate craving, an ache that can no longer be ignored, to change and break free, to create and expand.
I see it, I feel it, from children to the elderly.
A change is forming in a subtle, yet undeniable, way, and I feel a duality of excitment and terror at all those possibilities.
Now, maybe you feel the same or maybe you think that's complete bull, but can things really stay the same anymore?
Can we dive head first into 2018 while still in the mindset of 2017 and survive?
I have no idea, and maybe you dont either... but it's all something to think about as the countdown begins.
I'm not advocating fear, believe me.
I wouldn't want anyone to feel this way, but I feel I can say, with a sad certainty, that I'm not alone.
I hope and wish for The New Year, both for me and others, a better understanding of self and our purpose, and a better grasp on life.
To learn to let go of fear, even just a little, and focus more on those brilliant flashes of color and light that surprise and adventure can bring.
I want happiness to not seem like an illusion, and heartache to not be so constant.
Finally, I want hope to resurface, and bring about a better future. you know the one... the one we have all started doubting really exists.
So...
As the clock winds down to those last seconds of 2017, maybe you all be blessed and safe (and may 2018 NOT finish us all off 😝).
Much love & Stay strong,
-Amanda
#ello #writing #write #poet @ello @ellowrites #reflection #2017 #2018 #NewYear #loss #change
