(This is not my photo. Credit belongs to someone off of Imgfave. ^_^)
This is messy and personal, and raw and real... And pivotal. Read it if you want, or not. But I'm posting it anyways with no apologies.
Written to Yiruma, As You Wish: http://youtu.be/P7xv2qrizwU
I am not going to stop loving you. I am not going to want to. My heart will fight this tooth and nail...
But I surrender.
You don't want me, and no amount of dandelions or shooting stars and childish belief in magic will change that. I could write you an album's worth of heart wrenching love songs infused with my soul (and I have)... And it wouldn't change that. It's okay. I'll keep writing them anyways, you deserve them.
There are 7 billion humans on this planet. I could date them all if I tried hard enough, and I think I have tried pretty hard. Some are so smart and dissect you while you speak.
Some of them talk about owning houses like they deserve a medal. Some are gorgeous, some are sweet...
Every single one of them will only make me love you more.
Even if he says he's a PI lawyer and I can't remember exactly what you do... Whatever you do is better, because you do it.
I accept that.
My heart is broken again. It will probably be this way for a while. That's okay. I don't regret it. If anyone is worth having a broken heart over, it is you. I will have to bear it gracefully and smile anyways.
I should not be able to remember your dimples, or the grey in your hair, or the shape your mouth makes with each type of smile, while I forget about my parking tickets and jury duty dates - but it's the imperfect truth. I do. It's wrong, but it's reality right now.
I accept that you are just so much lovelier to think of, even if it hurts.
I surrender to that truth.
But I also know it's time to change. It's time to think of those daunting things, even if they're harder to think of with a heavy heart.
Life will just be heavy for a while. But it will go on and I must keep up. I accept that.
I surrender to the truth that I loved you openly and candidly and sloppily... And completely. It was very real, so that means my heart will break in layers and heal in phases. This won't be pretty. This won't be quick. The pain will come in waves of varying depths and velocity. It doesn't care how busy I am. I will still have to do my homework and pay my bills through it all.
I accept that.
I also know that this god forsaken, persistent hope will inevitably resurface. It is my very nature to be relentlessly hopeful. It will be excruciating sometimes to silence it. Because it will be deceptive and seductive, presenting itself as an escape from the dark tunnel of you-less reality. And I will have to make myself choose the tunnel, because it's the only thing I know for certain will lead me to light.
This will be so hard. I'm not used to choosing the harder path. And I will have to raise my child with passion and presence, and cry in secret, even though my heart will be crying all the time.
And I will still have to stay fit and healthy, and maintain my grades... Because my life is still important and needs me to be a part of it.
This is going to be hard. I accept this.
I won't be able to listen to your song and sing along after a bad day. It's my favorite song and you are my favorite singer of it. I am so sad to lose it... But I know I have to for now.
I don't want to think of you with anyone else. Your jacket on their shoulders, your hand in theirs, or you opening their car door. So I won't think of it, but I'll accept it as an inevitable reality.
I also know that someday, perhaps years from now, I will meet someone again. And they will unlock me the way you did. I can't imagine anyone could ever be better than you. You are the perfect blend of funny, smart, kind, gentle, playful, serious, wise, talented, and devilishly handsome. You are my favorite and I can't even fathom anyone coming close to comparing. But I have faith in my own ability to love them despite this and completely.
I surrender to this faith.
You are so special to me. You are one of my sweetest friends... So I will have to grieve elegantly. I will have to navigate the icky feelings without anger or blame. There is no easy way out of this. I have to be a bigger person than I have been. It's so hard, but I will do my best. I promise. And you're worth it.
This is shitty. But I guess parts of life have to be. You are helping me grow right now and I know this is a meaningful lesson. I will blossom from this... But it will suck. It will truly, powerfully, and deeply suck. But I won't fight it.