the truth is that i rediscovered my ello account after rummaging through all my social media stuff. i like ello a lot as a blogging platform. it's nicer to write here because it's like a good mix of tumblr and twitter...everyone's so fucking loud on twitter, and tumblr feels too broad for me to keep a diary on, i don't know. i like ello a lot for this diary stuff. it's just simple and quiet.
but it's funny. on this ello account in particular, i have so many notes that i was writing about you from when we weren't talking...even then i was thinking about you so much. and when i come back to use it, it is during a time where i am thinking of you so much, every single day. the words don't feel right to put on tumblr for some reason, and i don't know enough restraint to keep them in my ulysses, so i put it here in the hope that one day you'll maybe find it.
i was just remembering a conversation we had a long time ago. i don't remember a lot of it, but you had said something like, what if you don't like the bad parts about me? and in my high school naivete i told you that i would love you always, forever, no matter the bad parts about you. i mean, that hasn't changed at all, but you have to know, when i was in high school i didn't really know what it meant, all the feelings i had for you. if anything has changed then it's only the reason behind those feelings and it isn't naivete or idealism anymore, ok?
i know that i'll always love you. even if one day you treated me horribly and threw me away i'd still love you. that's how deep it is, you know? even though what you had said to me when we fought hurt, not a day went by where i didn't think about you, where i still loved you so much i'd cry myself to sleep thinking about how i should have been better, how i should have treated you better. if you left me for a year and came back i'd still welcome you back with open arms. that doesn't mean that i'm not hurt every time you disappear because of your episodes, it just means that i'm really, really hopelessly in love with you.
that is not healthy, right? it really isn't, but i can't help it. i don't even know why either! or at least, i know why--you just really would hate iet if i told you why because it'd end up being a 100K word paper about why i love you so much. it's like in In The Mood for Love when tony leung or maggie cheung, i don't remember who said this exactly, but one of them said it, that without realizing when or how or why they'd just fallen for each other, just like that. it's exactly that.
i don't really know what i'm trying to say here, either. just that, i'm coming to the realization that i love you so much, and i think it's going to break me in the end. it isn't selfish love, i don't think. i really, always want to make you happy. the thought of making you happy is just...it's so important to me. even if it is temporary. i want to tell you, i love you so much, so please don't hurt me too badly. but you know, even if you did hurt me, badly, i'd still crawl back to you. will you take advantage of that? is there a logical explanation for feeling like this for someone? maybe it's because i never met you in real life yet. but i feel like if i met you in real life i'd only love you more. and i've never felt this way about any online friend i've ever had, either, you're the first. i've never felt like this for anyone i've met in real life, either. so this...i don't know. i really don't know what to do or what to say anymore.