I'm so tired of my family. I'm thinking of Madeleine Thien's short story, "Map of the City," as I say this. The protagonist, Miriam, likened her parents to children and said how she hated how much they needed her to keep them together. I feel that way right now.
Yesterday I hung out with Ele after calligraphy class. I cried a lot to her. About my dad, my brother, how much I missed her, how tired I was about family. I said at one point that I'm just a stereotypical broken lesbian and she said, firmly, no, you're not broken. Even though I said yes, I am, she said I wasn't, over and over. Ele is so kind. I feel so ashamed though, for crying to her about such things. I don't want to be an emotional burden on her. I am making a mental note to not talk about those things for a long time so that I won't rely on her for attention or something like that.
Ele's relationship with her family is similar, especially with regards to her father. But I thought that she was very strong. Stronger than me, at least. Because she didn't listen to her father when he told her to go to medical school and become a doctor. She told me he said such hurtful things but it was all a matter of her telling herself that she didn't need his approval, or anyone's approval, to live the way that she wanted. I wonder how she got to such a point and if I'll ever get there.
Every day is so hard and so much and so lonely. I'm counting down the days that I'll finally go to Taiwan and I won't have to deal with my family's problems. I'm so exhausted. Why do I also have to carry this burden? There was a point where my father said he wanted to separate from my mother and he took this out on me and my brother. Why do we have to carry that weight? My mother tells me all the time about my older brother and my father and how much of a pain they are on her. I don't know what it is that bothers me most. That she tells me or that she tells me and refuses to be consoled by anything I say. Why are you telling these things to me? I am so stressed. I know everything that is happening in this family and I am an adult and I want to have my own life separate from all of this. I'm so tired. Every time my father says he wants me to work in the area after I graduate I literally want to die lmao. If I have to deal with this anymore after this semester I'll literally shoot myself.