today, this morning, i am feeling resentful so i ask that you grant me this moment of resentfulness because a part of it is directed towards you.
sometimes i will read over the parts from back then, where you talk about how much you love her and the first thing i think is, how could you? and then, afterwards, because that makes no sense, i think, how could i? how could i have allowed myself to keep loving you at the same magnitude for so long?
i remember the day you texted me and told me that you had just vomited in your workplace bathroom from how bad she made you feel, for loving someone that wasn't you
i also remember walking into physics class that day feeling empty. because i had a crush on my physics teacher then and also because i had literally no one else, i told him i felt a little sad, and he asked why and i said that it was because everyone i knew, you and her, were feeling so bad and i didn't know how to help. but i think the truth was that i had felt so lonely and unloved then and i just reasoned it to be because i couldn't help you, because i was seventeen years old and i thought the best way to love someone is to just keep loving them even if they hurt you. does that remind you of anything? that is why i still love my father. i still love him even though he has treated me like a rag doll for so long, even though he has hit me so many times and made me get on my knees and beg him to love me and forgive me for being a bad daughter. that is the only way i know how to love. to ruin myself, to let someone else ruin me, to get on my knees and beg to be loved back.
i am destined to love someone and only suffer from it. which is why i know that my love for you is true. no matter how badly you treat me, i will always love you the moment anything comes out of your mouth, and if you are hurt it will always be my fault because i say so.