Okay Ello we're gonna get a bit real talk. Lately I've been wrestling with the idea of vanity. Have I always been this way? Is vanity congenital? When did I become so preoccupied with my image? DID THIS ALL STEM FROM BEING A MIDDLE CHILD??? Is every selfless act I do only an attempt at proving my selflessness? Why is that not an inherent trait of mine? I've recently become obsessed with body building to the point where I spend a good portion of my day looking at half naked men posing on stage. Why am I so fascinated in spending obscene amounts of money on food, following a strict daily routine with no room for error, focusing 2 hours or more of my day in the gym, and risking my health on performance enhancing drugs? I keep coming back to the idea that I might be insecure about my image and all signs look like they're pointing right the fuck to yes.
I got an office job not too long ago and I have little to no expenses so I've saved up quite a bit. Last week my mom came up to me with a worried look on her face asking if I could spare 100 dollars so she could send it back to Eritrea to help our Grandma with her health (Eritrea is pretty dirt poor). Questions went racing through my head at that moment. Why couldn't my brother send money? My sister?? They both graduated from better schools and should be fucking rich by now! That's 100 dollars I could spend on new fucking winter clothes! Pretty disgusting. I completely disregarded the fact that my grandma was having health issues and went straight to the idea of buying more clothes that I'll tire of in a few months. I tried to pass on this duty instead of rising to face it. I was so ashamed of myself that I said she could have 300 dollars instead (see??? there I go again trying to prove how selfless I am instead of wanting to help my grandma!!! what the fuck)
My fear is that I'll die this way, never knowing what it truly is to be selfless. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this and I'm afraid nothing short of an out of body experience will change me. Or maybe a brush with death?
Help me Ello. Help me experience almost dying.